voxwoman | Another one bites the dust

Another local Pagan group, the Mid-Atlantic Pagan Alliance has officially disbanded. I had a feeling something like this was afoot. They used to run a Beltane festival from 1999 to 2006. The '07 festival was canceled at the 11th hour (2 weeks prior to the date) for various reasons, one of which was some malfesance on the part of one of the founding people in the group. The group really never recovered from that, and with a divorce and a "divorce" (you can't have a real divorce if you're not married) in the core group, things just seemed to fall apart. Of course, this is commentary from an outsider reading between the lines of their public statements, and knowing all the people involved.

I don't know why, but I feel hurt by being left off of the long list of "thank you's" in their last communication to the community at large. I haven't been terribly active on their newsgroup, or even with the group itself in the last 2 years (since the festival stopped, really), but I felt I was a more memorable part of them than I apparently was.

I guess that it boils down to "what have you done for me lately?" and lately, I haven't done much. Maybe because I used to hire musicans and sound out of my own pocket and never really got reimbursed totally for putting on a concert for the first 3 years of the festival. I thought that maybe someone might have appreciated that or even acknowledged that maybe it was a bit above and beyond? Maybe some acknowledgement of my kid's existence (when every other child that's attended the festival got listed)... Maybe some word of appreciation that I didn't sue everyone's pants of when she got set on fire at Beltane 2003. I didn't even ask for the insurance copay back. Not even from the vendor who sold her the cape and then had the wits to light tea lights all over their tables at a height for the cape to catch fire.

I'm really getting fed up with everyone in the Pagan community around here. It's enough to make someone want to be solitary and I now understand why there are so many people who identify as Pagans in this area who don't come out to public events and who don't participate in public-facing groups.

I'm turning into a crotchety old woman. Yes, Robin A., (who wrote the letter) remembers Margaret, our mutual dear friend who died of a heart attack many years ago, before the festivals even started, but she doesn't remember ME, who stood opposite her at Margaret's funeral service and was one of the 4 people performing her rites.

I thought I was making a larger splash in the world. It's painful to have it pointed out that the ripples are too small to be seen in the pond. I'm feeling rather invisible and insignificant again. Something I haven't felt in a very long time.

I don't think I'm going to bother expressing these feelings to the person who brought them to the surface. It's really not her fault. I haven't been a significant part of her life for a few years now.